


Trail Mix

by ReebaJee



Series: Original Characters [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Anko's kid, Apocalypse, Childhood, Depression, Fluff, Ghosts, Hashirama is an Idiot, Humor, Ibiki's kid, Implied one sided Madara/Hashirama, Iwagakure | Hidden Stone Village, Messing up the timeline, Original Character(s), Reincarnation, Reincarnation is overrated, Seduction, Those two tags should not go next to each other, Tobirama rage quits talking to his brother, Underneath the underneath, Warring States Period (Naruto), bratty little kids, changing canon, twin, what if, world building
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-09-07 17:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16858147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReebaJee/pseuds/ReebaJee
Summary: A series of Naruto OC one shots.1: I’m named after dango; guess who my mother is. I’m a manipulative little shit; guess who my father is. We’re not a conventional family but we make it work.2: Kakashi has a twin and his childhood is just that much fluffier.3: Reborn as a squirrel in the Forest of Death? You’ve got to be kidding me.4: Whatever happened to previous teams that Kakashi failed?5: Where ghosts go after the apocalypse- or –A character who is literally dead inside.6: “Your job is to seduce insane, murderous, power-hungry, traitors?” “I prefer to call it saving the Uchiha line.”7: My presence in this world as a child with an adult mind caused the formation of Team Genius, comprised of myself, Maito Gai, and Hatake Kakashi, lead by future Hokage Namikaze Minato. But being a child at war is hard enough without the added strain dying and being reborn puts on a person’s psyche. I’m only good at being a shinobi because I’m terrible at being a person.





	1. Hanami

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who's posting this instead of writing finals?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm named after dango; guess who my mother is. I'm a manipulative little shit; guess who my father is. We're not a conventional family but we make it work.

In the far back corner of the examination room, a nine-year-old girl with purple-tinted grey hair lay sprawled over a table, head hanging off the edge and absently bouncing a pink rubber ball against the wall.

A shadow fell over the girl's form as her teammate approached. "You done 'sussing out the competition' Hanami?"

Not bothering to look up from her ball bouncing, the little girl hummed. "Yup. Got everyone who'd play ball with me."

A tiny wobble signaled the older boy joining her on the table. "And what, exactly, could you deduce from how someone plays catch?" He asked skeptically.

Only at this did Hanami sit up to glower at her teammate. "Would you shut up?" She hissed irritably. "We're surrounded by competitors Kaito, do you really think now is the time to talk about this?" Before Kaito could respond, a new wave of leaf genin swept into the room and Hanami groaned. "Seriously? Some moron probably spewed their yap about the genjutsu trap and let everyone else in on the gig. Now we have even more competition."

"You know," Kaito mused, "I can kind of see why you were kicked out of all your other teams. Getting told off by a bossy little girl can be a real pain in the ass."

Hanami scoffed. "Hmph. Nobody can handle my awesomeness. Besides, it's good to get practice working with different people." She hopped off the table with a flourish, stuffing her ball back in one of the many pockets on her long trench coat. "Whelp, let's go greet the newcomers."

"This should be fun." Kaito muttered, following behind.

"Ne, pretty kunoichi, wanna play catch with me?" Hanami smiled cutely up at a girl wearing her hair in two buns.

The girl blinked, then smiled. "Sure thing! I'm Tenten, what's your name?"

Hanami giggled coyly and tossed Tenten a ball. "Guess!" As she tested her newest target's reflexes, speed, ambidexterity and movement, she kept her on her toes, multitasking with small talk and the game of guessing her name. "Oops!" Hanami intentionally missed a catch, allowing the ball to fly past her and towards a Hyuga leaning up against the wall. The boy caught it on reflex and glared in the direction the projectile had come from.

"Heh, sorry Neji!" Tenten apologized.

"No I'm sorry!" Hanami cut in faux earnestly. "It's my fault for not catching it. Would you like to play catch with us Neji?" Hanami purposefully fumbled the ball when Neji tossed it back in her face.

Kaito huffed a laugh beside her. "Still as much as an asshole as always, eh Neji?"

Tenten's expression lit with recognition. "Ah, Kaito! I haven't seen you since we all graduated together. I hear you were put on a team with Mu Aburame and…" her eyes looked at Hanami in realization, "you must be Hanami, the early grad!"

The younger girl puffed up in pride. "That's right! I'm Hanami, the horrible handful, tiny terror, and the precocious prat!"

Kaito landed a fist on top of her head. "Also the least humble."

"That's not alliterative." Hanami pouted.

"Lee has arrived." Neji interrupted the banter. "Let us gather ourselves someplace less conspicuous."

Tenten nodded her affirmation and sent the other two genin a genial wave.

"All right, who's next…?" Hanami muttered to herself while Kaito took up Neji's previous spot of leaning against the wall.

"How much trouble have you two gotten up to before I got here?" A low drawl enquired. Hanami and Kaito looked up at the towering figure of their final teammate and grinned.

"Mu!" Hanami exclaimed, promptly climbing the freakishly tall Aburame and sitting on his shoulders. "I wasn't getting into trouble at all, just playing catch with everybody I could."

Mu sighed and pushed his glasses up with a finger, sending Kaito a glance. "And you just let her." It was more statement than question but Kaito shrugged and answered anyway.

"I saw no harm in it. Besides, Hanami said she could use it to-,"

"Shhhh!" Hanami interrupted, swatting at the civilian-born's head.

"Yarra, yarra," Kaito grunted.

Suddenly the doors to the examination room were slammed open by a boy in orange, followed by a girl in red and another boy in blue. Hanami sweat dropped, comparing her plain beige trench coat and overall neutral-toned clothing of the room to the three brightly colored entrants. Er, make that four. A girl in purple who she'd gotten to play catch with her, (Ino Yamanaka, right handed, reflexes could use work, likely a sideline fighter, intelligence gatherer,) loudly glommed onto Blue boy, sparking an argument between her and Red. Purple's team joined her, followed by another, and then the three rookie groups were conversing loudly by the door. Hanami rolled her eyes and jumped off of Mu's back, only for the taller genin to grab her ponytail before she could walk over.

"Their naiveté is painting targets on their own backs, getting involved to tell them off will only draw undue attention to yourself as well."

Hanami's only response was to narrow her eyes and yank her hair out of his grasp, rebelliously marching over anyway.

Kaito huffed softly at his teammate's misfortune. "I don't know why you bother man, whatever you tell her not to do she always makes a point to do anyway. It's just the way little siblings act."

"I admit such is a dynamic that I am unfamiliar with."

Over by the entrance, Hanami put her hands on her hips. "Dudes, as touching as it is to witness this heartwarming class reunion, ya might not want to do it in the doorway while people are walking through. This isn't recess at the academy. Some of us actually want to get promoted."

"Hey, you're that kid who always got picked on for having an ugly dad!" Naruto exclaimed loudly.

Hanami felt her eyebrow twitch and widened her eyes exaggeratedly, "Hey, you're that masochistic hero complex guy who always failed to save me and got his ass kicked doing it!"

"Wha! You ungrateful little-!"

"Brat?" Hanami interrupted, "Menace? Pipsqueak? Jerk? Asshole? I'm all of the above, really. Besides, Dad's not even ugly. Sure, he's got resting bitch face from hell and a ton of gruesome scars but he's got a great laugh!"

Over to the side, Hanami's teammates sweat dropped at how the previously loud conversation had escalated to a shouting match. "She's making it worse…" Mu morosely observed.

"Think that's her point?" Kaito asked, "to get everyone to hate them even more?"

A little ways off, Kabuto adjusted his glasses and held his tongue.It wouldn't be prudent to show my cards now that the daughter of two intelligence members is there. He smirked at his own pun and turned away. There will be time enough later to gain their trust. As long as Sasuke makes it to the finals my task is done.

"Gaaah~! Whatever!" Naruto shouted. "What's a little squirt like you doing here anyway? Are ya lost? The academy classes are downstairs."

"Are you blind?" Hanami rebutted, "Or just as stupid as you look? I'm a genin like you. Have been since I was seven."

"Nani? You graduated when you were seven? Not even teme graduated when he was seven!" Naruto waved wildly about, nearly smacking Sasuke in the face.

"Tch. Dobe." he growled at Naruto's embarrassing observation.

"Yeah Naruto, way to state the obvious!" Sakura added in, completely missing the point of Sasuke's ire.

"But Sakura-!"

"Yeah, duh Naruto. You need parental consent to graduate early." Hanami quipped. "Besides," she jerked a thumb at the boy in blue, "he looks like he just came from getting his butt whooped and the exam hasn't even started! I doubt he could've handled being an early grad like me."

"You-!" Sasuke snarled while Naruto and Kiba laughed uproariously, Shikamaru sighed, and Ino and Sakura took turns at ineffectively placating Sasuke and knocking heads with Naruto and Kiba. Amidst the chaos of the rookie crowd, Hanami smirked at Sasuke and stuck her tongue out with a wink. Fresh from his humiliating defeat by Rock Lee, furious at Hanami's reminder of his inability to graduate early due to both lack of skill and lack of parents to consent, ashamed in the face of his continued inferiority to the elder brother he strove to kill, Sasuke snapped, grabbing the infuriating little girl by the collar and pulling back his fist.

Mu and Kaito jumped to intervene, but before they could move, a puff of smoke at the front of the room signaled the arrival of a dozen T&I workers, lead by head interrogator himself.

"All right you baby-faced degenerates. Pipe down and listen up! It's time to begin. I'm Ibiki Morino, your proctor and from this moment, your worst enemy."

The hall was silent from the dramatic entrance and ominous proclamation until someone decided to break the carefully crafted tension like a sledgehammer to a light bulb.

"Hi dad!" Hanami chirped. Whispers broke out across the hall.

From her position of hanging from Sasuke's grip she pointed at Naruto. "That guy called you ugly."

Naruto squawked in protest when a menacing glare was leveled their way. "That's your dad?"

Hanami ignored him and pointed to the boy still lifting her by her shirt. "And this guy is trying to attack me."

"Everybody shut up if you know what's good for you!" Ibiki boomed. Silence once again fell upon the room and Hanami rolled her eyes.

Ibiki bit back a sigh and glowered menacingly at the room. "I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you that there will be no altercations without the proctors' express permission. Even so, the use of lethal force is prohibited. Those who disobey will be disqualified. Am I understood?"

Sasuke slowly lowered Hanami to the ground.

"But Sir, she started it by provoking a fight!" Sakura protested.

"Somehow I'm not surprised." Ibiki deadpanned. "Still, the rules stand and if you're immature enough to be provoked by some mean words from a little brat of a girl then you don't deserve to be shinobi. And Hanami! Any more trouble from you and not only will I have you disqualified, but while everyone else is taking the exam, you'll be cleaning out torture cells. Understood?"

Hanami pouted and begrudgingly let the rest of the test commence without a hitch.

Bounce, bounce-bounce, bu-bounce… Mu and Kaito kept their eyes and ears trained on Hanami's bouncing ball as she seemingly fiddled with it on the tabletop. Every now and then the nine year old would roll it around, and the seemingly random movements translated into a comprehensive code. Now, the downside of practically being raised by the T&I department was that all the proctors monitoring the examinees for cheating knew of Hanami's particular code. That was why the things she relayed to her teammates weren't related to the questions on the test. Instead she pointed out the purpose of the test itself and which examinees were chunin plants. It wasn't cheating if she didn't give them the answers but rather told them where they could find them for themselves. That was the upside of practically being raised by the T&I department. Hanami knew all their tricks and gags.

The tenth question came and Hanami put her pencil down, studying her father for tension. Of course as a tokubetsu jonin he was too good to give any tells that his nine-year-old daughter could pick up, neither staring at her nor avoiding her gaze. Hanami guessed he must be at least a little tense though considering it was this tenth question or something like it that had caused uncle Idate to defect and subsequently die. Ibiki had been vehemently against allowing Hanami to even partake in the exam considering both her parents were proctors but Anko was totally for it. And, predictably, Hanami's mother used the guilt-tripping tactic; you knocked me up when I was fifteen, you irresponsible scar-face jerk, so you better do what I say about this hell spawn child that you put into my unsuspecting body and buy me some dango on the side- to get what she wants. And her dad, big softie that he is, would always cave and go along with Anko's less than stellar ideas -(even if it put at risk Ibiki's own emotional health by making him relive the guilt over his brother's death)- just because he felt bad that his own daughter was born. Sometimes Hanami wondered what it would be like to be part of a mentally balanced family.

Hanami looked around at some of other genin in the hall, picking out the ones she'd been on teams with before and sighed. She wondered what it would be like to be part of an actual permanent team too. Her first jonin sensei passed the team solely based on the fact that he was terrified of what Hanami's parents would do to him if he failed them. Needless to say the team was a disaster and was eventually split up. Since then Hanami had been the spare third for numerous teams, all of whom it either ended up they couldn't stand her or she hated them for being condescending pricks. The few teams that had been compatible were dismantled once one of the members was promoted. Mu and Kaito were nice, and they'd lasted the longest out of all her teammates but they were really more like close acquaintances than anything. Hanami wouldn't even call them friends, much less the kind of family that some teams grew to be. Sure Mu let her climb all over him and Kaito looked at her with the fond exasperation of an elder brother but Hanami knew that neither of them would complain if the team got reassigned. Neither would she, really. Their bonds just weren't that strong. Hanami just didn't have any strong bonds.

A loud crash signaled Anko's entrance and Hanami looked up from her musings to realize that she'd entirely missed the last question. Well, going by the fact that her mother was here, it probably didn't need to be answered anyway. As Anko and Ibiki proceeded with their sadistically tinted banter Hanami dry heaved and proceeded to draw dicks all over her now useless test to piss her dad off. Tomorrow would be mom's turn.

As soon as Anko dismissed them Hanami launched over her desk and scrambled to the front, ignoring the irritated protests of genin knocked from their shuffling towards the doors. "Mommy! Daddy! Let's all go get some dango together! Can we train? Ooh, let's have a picnic!"

"Aiya! Don't call me Mom in front of so many people!" Anko whined. "It makes me seem old!"

Hanami rolled her eyes. "Oi, previously teen mom and deadbeat dad, get me some dango!"

"Maggot! Respect your parents." in a flash Anko flung something at her daughter and Hanami jumped just a hair too late, suddenly finding a wooden skewer piercing her ear. "Who sthaid I didn'th get'cha dango?" Anko asked around a mouthful of the sweet treat. "But with attitude like that I guess I'll just eat it myself!"

"Awe, no fair!" Hanami groaned.

Ibiki sighed and knelt to remove the skewer from his daughter's ear. "What did I say about attacking comrades with eating utensils, Anko? It's unsanitary and could get infected."

"Hmph. You're not my boss scar-face." Anko petulantly retorted.

"Actually I am."

Anko ignored him as he pulled out an alcohol wipe to sterilize Hanami's bleeding ear. "You're not even my husband, so what right do you have to tell me what to do?"

Ibiki looked at the ceiling as if asking god for patience. "One, even if I was your husband you wouldn't let me tell you what to do. And two, you don't even like me like that Anko, so you can stop dropping hints about me asking you to marry you."

Hanami scoffed, pulling the rest of the splinters from her ear herself. "Dad, Mommy doesn't even know what she likes, of course she doesn't seem to like you. She's obviously got abandonment issues and will fall for anything she's confidant she can tie down. Mommy already has me to hold you accountable, as well as the assurance that no one else will look twice at you because you're her scar-face! Just marry her already!"

A menacing silence descended upon the room and everyone who hadn't already left hurriedly did so. Hanami sent a wide, innocent look up into her parents' ticked off faces. "What? It's true."

"Brat." Ibiki muttered darkly. "People do too look twice at me."

A spider vein pulsed in Anko's temple. "Yeah, no thanks for the help kid, but I can seduce your father all on my own. And I don't have abandonment issues!"

Hanami squeaked under the combined menacing auras of Konoha's top interrogators then squared her shoulders and blew a raspberry. "I was only trying to help! You guys never pay any attention to me, we never spend any time together; it's like we're not even a real family!"

"Real families don't psychoanalyze each other." Anko retorted. "So if you want a real family then stop doing it!"

"Like you never do it to me, you fat ugly whore!" Hanami shouted back.

"Watch your language!" Ibiki scolded. "What did I do to deserve a kid like you?"

Hanami angrily stomped her foot. "You didn't keep it in yer pants, that's what! I hate you both!" She screamed over her shoulder as she bolted for the exit. The door slammed loudly behind her, leaving the two weary tokubetsu jonin alone in the examination hall.

Ibiki let out a long-suffering sigh. "You should probably go after her." He suggested.

"Me?" Anko protested, "Why don't you do it?"

"…We really suck at parenting, don't we?" Ibiki asked in lieu of answering.

"Yup." Anko agreed.

Out in the hall a suspiciously dry-eyed Hanami felt her mouth pull into a sadistic grin, giggles pulling at her throat.

"I heard that." Mu commented from his place waiting outside the door.

"Why do you always pretend to have tantrums if you're not actually upset?" Kaito asked with a tilt of his head.

Hanami snickered and leaned her hands behind her head. "I was an oopsie baby as you know. I feel like it's my right to terrorize them. I live to torment the poor clueless shits who conceived me!"

Mu shook his head and Kaito shivered. "You really are a menace, Hanami."

Omake:

Later that day Hanami was calmly writing down the intel she'd gathered on the other contestants when the door to her room in ANBU HQ was slammed open to the sight of her mom bodily dragging Ibiki behind her. "Brat!" Anko yelled, "Biki and I are sorry for whatever the hell it is we said, I don't really remember. Now apologize for being a tactless shit or I'll make out with your father in front of you."

The scarred man blushed from his hunched over position, forced to bend due to the woman's grip of his collar. "Anko, I didn't agree to-,"

"Shut up." Anko interrupted, smashing her lips to his scarred ones mid sentence.

Hanami blanched, "EEW! Mom! Dad! Stop, my eyes!"

"What do you say?" Anko teased between kisses.

Their daughter groaned behind her hands obscuring her vision. "Please stop? Ugh, I'm sorry for being a tactless shit now stop sucking face, you're scarring me for life!"

"All right!" Anko chirped, roughly shoving Ibiki away from her. "Apology accepted. Have a g'night kiddo!" And with that she flounced out of the room, leaving a breathless Ibiki and traumatized Hanami behind.

"She… is such a tease." Ibiki muttered absently.

"AArgh! That's it! Get out! Get out!" Hanami screamed, leaping out of her chair to beat her tiny fists at Ibiki's back. "You're head of T&I Dad, not TMI! Get out!"

(^v^)

end

Note: Gosh, I love Hanami so much. I started writing her and never wanted to stop. Unfortunately I have no idea what to do for plot so this is all I got.

P.S. Hanami fights with special pink, green and white bouncy balls. The pink ones are plain, the green ones are covered in contact poison and the white ones explode. She has perfect aim and ricochet prediction making battle with her into a calculated chaos.


	2. Hatake Twins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi has a twin and his childhood is just that much fluffier.

“KAKASHI!” 

Civilians blinked as a knee high silver blur dashed around a corner, dust billowing up in its wake. Another tiny silver blur, the source of the indignant yell, followed shortly after with a barking black shape at her heels. 

“Get back here you brat! Your hair looks stupid!” 

“Shut up Kama!” Kakashi yelled over his shoulder. “And stop tracking me with Moro, that’s cheating!” 

The five year old’s rebuke was met with a disgruntled bark from the aforementioned black puppy and a vehement denial from her handler. The pair was cut off by the appearance of a pepper bomb being sent in their direction.

“Argh! You jerk!” Kama managed to croak out between sneezes, coughs and tearing eyes. Moro whimpered in agreement. By the time the smoke cleared the two had lost track of their wayward brother. A glance at the sun shadows however confirmed the time, and knowing Kakashi hated being late, Kama knew just where he’d be headed. Kama was just about to sprint off in the direction of the training fields when she was jerked back by her collar. Glaring up at the civilian who’d interrupted her hunt she growled, “Whaddya want old man?” 

The vendor leveled her with a disapproving scowl. “You shouldn’t be running with scissors, kid, you could poke your eye out. Leave those stunts to the shinobi, ya hear?”

Kama merely rolled her eyes and blew a raspberry, then immediately regretted the action as it only got spit on the inside of her mask. Performing a substitution jutsu with her puppy, Kama once again sped after her brother. 

Suddenly finding himself holding a small black dog instead of a small rude child, the vendor blinked and dropped it as if he’d been burned. Moro quickly ran off after her master and caught up by the time she reached training ground three.

“KAKASHI!” 

Kama’s indignant roar caused her brother to whirl around, eyes comically widening when he spotted his twin and her ninken rapidly approaching. Looking around wildly for a place to hide from his demise, Kakashi stepped behind Minato’s legs just as Kama and Moro reached their side. The two panted to catch their breath and Kama sent the silver hair sticking out from behind Minato a death glare. 

“You… need… a haircut.” Kama declared between breaths. “You look like an old man.” Kakashi looked like Einstein to be exact, his silver hair sticking out at all angles, but no one present would understand the reference. 

Kakashi squawked indignantly when Minato suddenly turned and bent to pick him up to inspect at eye level. “He kind of does, doesn’t he?” The jonin humorously agreed. Setting him down but not letting go, Minato offered, “I’ll keep him still while you cut, eh Kama-kun?” The piteous glare of betrayal Minato received from the five year old in his grasp merely caused him to giggle. 

“Can’t we do this later?” Kakashi whined, “I’ll be all covered in hair for the rest of the day now.”

Kama ignored him and eagerly set to work. “Keep still or I’ll cut off your ears.” She snapped when Kakashi wriggled in vain to get out of his sensei’s grasp. He begrudgingly stilled until his sister was done trimming his hair. Once she was done the sides of his head was clipped shorter to keep his spiky locks from sticking strait out. She left his floof on top and long bangs, knowing Kakashi liked using his hair to hide behind and feel taller, not that he’d ever admit to it. 

“Looks good!” Minato complimented, at last letting his student go. 

Kakashi merely pouted as he began brushing himself off. “I’m all itchy now!” 

“You’re welcome.” Kama snootily returned, “Thanks for the pepper bomb by the way, that was real mature of you.”

“Any real ninja would be able to doge that.” Kakashi scoffed, nose in the air. “Then again, you’re not even genin yet.” Giving his sister the side eye he added, “Speaking of, shouldn’t you be in the academy right now?” 

Kama and Moro gave simultaneous growls, their hackles rising at the barb. Having your twin graduate before you was a sore spot.

Kakashi mockingly took a fistful of his discarded hair. “Here, have something to remember me by so you don’t get lonely.” And he threw it in their direction. Kakashi seemed altogether much more surprised than he should have been when Kama and Moro assaulted him at once. 

Minato threw his head back and laughed. “It seems like that was the last straw, scarecrow.” His giggles didn’t cease when the twins’ fighting suddenly did. “G-get it? Cause Kama means sickle and sickles cut straw-,” the jonin effortlessly dodged the two children’s now redirected blows, “-and Kakashi means scarecrow and they have straw for hair-,”

“Argh, Sensei stop!” Kakashi yelled, his punch striking nothing but air.

“-but then there’s that saying about the straw that broke-,”

“We get it!” Kama screeched.

When Rin returned dragging Obito in toe it was to the sight of Minato laughing and spewing puns while the Hatake twins attacked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is continued in Sickle and Straw Man


	3. Squirrel of Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reborn as a squirrel in the Forest of Death? You’ve got to be kidding me.

I realize now, that it took me an inordinate amount of time to figure out what I was this time around. Granted, it didn’t take as long as when I got spawned as a fungus, but that doesn’t count. It’s super disorienting to get thrown into a whole other Kingdom than you’re used to. Fungi senses are super weird, it took me forever just to figure out I was alive. That experience was just trippy. For me, and I’d like to think, whatever it was that eventually consumed me. But whatever, this time my excuses are the giant-ass predators around the place that totally screwed with my perception of my size, the constant struggle for survival I had to engage in, and the fact that by the time my eyes opened for the first time my instincts had already told me to eat my siblings, so it wasn’t like I could take a look at them to see what species I was.

By now you’re probably wondering what the hell I am, and not in the sense of what kind of creature I currently take the form of. Well, let me tell you. I am an Immortal being, possessor of infinite knowledge and wisdom, bound to exist until time immemorial. At least that’s what the pamphlet said. In reality it is a lot less glamorous. A spec of consciousness tossed helplessly and endlessly on the crashing whims of entropy is probably a more realistic title. Or, as I like to call myself: I am Non-Entity! Why? It just sounds cool. It was my super-hero name once and I like to stick with it. Or was I a super-villain? I can’t remember. Crap. 

Anyway, being immortal? Totally not glamorous. Take now for example; running for my life from the asshole with a music note on his forehead who stuck a burning piece of paper on my back. I’m embarrassed to admit it’s only when the pink haired chick throws the kunai at me to keep my furry little paws from setting off her traps that I realize what and where I am. A squirrel in the Forest of Death?! You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! Why didn’t I think of that sooner?

Though in my defense, it’s super disorienting getting thrown into a whole other universe than you’re used to.


	4. Kakashi's other team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever wonder whatever happened to previous teams that Kakashi failed?

The day of team placements arrived and I felt nothing but a pit of dread. My eyes scanned the room for the only Characters in this class, easily picking them out from years of practice. Tenten with her distinctive buns sat near the front looking eager. Prim, superior Neji sat by a window (of course) and a longhaired Lee sat in the back corner looking determined. I sighed and averted my gaze to my fingers drumming on my desk.

Would I end up replacing one of them on team Gai? From what I can tell from my visions, it seemed likely. My memory-not-memories all seemed to point to new variables like myself being magnetically drawn to Characters. Those of us who don’t belong; who recall being ‘other’ than what we are, we’re here for a reason. We inevitably get drawn into Plot. I looked around the room at my classmates, wondering not for the first time if any were like me. And not for the first time I dismissed the idea. They were all too… well, not _normal_ \- genin-in-training are never normal, not in the way I’d consider the word, but I guess that’s my point. They were normal to this world’s standards, fluent in its culture the way I never would be.

To distract myself from my fears I allowed myself the luxury of gazing about my classmates who aren’t Characters and imagined what it would be like to be on a team with any of them. I didn’t have any time to get to know them outside of school because of all my copious chores requiring me at home but I made up for it with people watching and observation skills.

Natsui Yuhi was easily the most popular boy in the class though mostly only in regards to the girls. To his own fair share of fangirls he coped with their attentions admirably well, claiming he only wanted to be friends yet still managing to make them each feel special. And when Neji coldly broke the hearts of all the rest of the girls, Natsui was the one to comfort them and give them advice. Other boys tended to hide their jealousy by calling him out on his own femininity. This didn’t _seem_ to bother him much; often bragging about his fabulous aunt who could take them all out without ever touching them using genjutsu. I could see the doubt in his eyes though when he looked at other boys, in the way he moved and especially during spars. With neither a fangirl’s rose tinted glasses or a rival’s proud overestimation, I could clearly see past his seemingly easygoing and confident nature to how he held himself insecurely and shifted on his feet. I could picture him being a considerate and respectful teammate and I’d have bet my favorite blanket that he was gay.

The least popular kid in the class on the other hand, was Tsumu Aburame. No one really liked him. Well, _I_ liked him- he kind of reminded me of fluffy little caterpillar, or one of those fat, squishy grub things that most people find utterly gross but I think are kind of cute in the way they awkwardly squirm. He was always serious but said the funniest things… usually by unintentionally insulting someone while trying to give them heartfelt advice. Tsumu was a sweetie. I tried giving him pointers on how to get what he meant across better but I was kind of glad it didn’t work. I liked him the way he was and if other people didn’t get it then that was their loss. At least Tsumu knew that I understood him. He was probably somewhere on the autism spectrum. I thought of him as a kind, clueless, adorable, hilariously honest underdog that I wanted to protect. He had a clan to do that though, and I didn’t have any time outside of taking care of my siblings and helping with the family business. It was a shame since out of all the kids in my class he was the one I could really see myself becoming friends with. Being on a team with him would probably be exasperating at times and totally worth it at others.

Moving on, my eyes started to wander on to another target classmate to contemplate when our harried homeroom teacher finally showed up, his chunin vest looking damp and… orange paint stuck in the crevices. Ah. Naruto’s latest victim. Without preamble or waiting for us to settle down he began listing off names in teams and my previous anxiety returned fourfold. It didn’t help that I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t even have that much of a desire to become a shinobi. But my family was adamant.

The Meizen family herb and flower shop didn’t do nearly as well as the Yamanaka’s even though we’d been doing it for much longer, simply because shinobi tended to trust the wares of shinobi. (Hmph. As if some head-shrink’s de-stressing after-hours hobby was more reliable than generations of toil.) Ugh, I’m sounding like my grandma. She was the only one against sending me off to the academy to bring our business more credibility. But as the eldest daughter my father argued it was my duty to do what was best for the family and since he didn’t want to wait until I was old enough to marry a shinobi he made me become one instead.

And here I was: about ready to bite my nails off from nerves, and getting my first team assignment to become a real ninja.

“Team four: Minamitsu Meizen,” My head snapped up to attention, “Natsui Yuhi, and Tsumu Aburame.”

I glanced over at my new teammates and blinked. Did thinking about them as teammates make it happen? No, I picked them at random; it was completely natural. It didn’t feel like one of my visions and those two definitely never appeared even vaguely in any of my memory-not-memories. This wasn’t at all like the time I dreamed in cold black and white the night of the Kumo alliance.

I finally slumped in my chair in relief. I wasn’t on Gai’s team. I didn’t replace a character. I leaned my arms behind my head, content to be a simple butterfly causing tornadoes across the world. I didn’t need to be in the eye of the Ultimate Ninja Storm.

Jonin came one by one, called their team numbers and took their genin away. Maito Gai made his DYNAMIC ENTRY!!! And slowly but surely the classroom emptied out. Then all that was left was us: team four and our homeroom teacher, and he too eventually had to leave. Tsumu and Natsui and I chatted while we waited, discussing our skills and weaknesses and what we hoped to learn.

“If you put more effort into your appearance you could be a very good infiltrator Minamitsu. And as long as your indecisiveness doesn’t appear in battle Natsui, I think you could be a fine shinobi.” Tsumu commented, pleased with both of us when we didn’t show disgust at his bugs.

Accustomed and amused by Tsumu’s unintentionally backhanded compliments I merely quietly thanked him and watched to see what Natsui’s reaction would be. It was confusion.

“How am I indecisive?”

Tsumu nodded and held up a finger, eager to coach a fellow comrade into better self-knowledge. “For short term decisions like what you want for lunch you are quick, but long term you don’t know what you want. How do I know this? You have many girls vying for your attention but you can’t seem to choose one of them.”

_Ooh_ , Tsumu must’ve been _really_ proud of his conclusion to be falling onto the old Aburame question-and-answer verbal tic. A _dor_ able. But how was Natsui going to react? I hoped for the sake of the team that it wasn’t bad. Natsui was more popular than the two of us put together, and if this was going to work he would have to get used to our weirdness’s. To my happy surprise Natsui burst out laughing.

“I don’t choose one because I’m not interested in romance.” He explained once through with his bout of giggles. “But I’m glad you think I could be a good ninja.” He sent his charming smile at both of us. “I’m glad you guys are both on my team. We haven’t really hung out much and it’s always nice to make new friends.”

Tsumu blushed behind his Kelly scarf and mumbled, “Agreed.” I smiled and nodded. The three of us talked on and on, and I learned a lot about my teammates. Tsumu’s favorite colors were red and green but only wore green because it wasn’t as flashy. Natsui admitted his parents weren’t so pleased that he had decided to follow in his aunt’s footsteps but he hoped that through following his dream he could reconcile Kurenai with the rest of the family. I told them how becoming a ninja wasn’t really my idea: that I was mostly doing it for my family and that I was more interested in the investigative side of shinobi work than combative. They were both surprisingly supportive of my preference.

“Your dedication to your family is admirable, both of you.” Tsumu said solemnly.

I nodded along and didn’t mention my dedication was really towards my own ass cheeks.

After an hour or so passed and no one had come to pick us up, I began to get worried. “You think they forgot?” I asked.

“I wouldn’t underestimate our sensei so.” Tsumu said. “This is probably a test of patience.”

We took that explanation easily and I settled back to observe my new teammates chat. Another hour passed and it was just by chance I was looking at the door when he came in.

My eyes unfocused and another vision superimposed on my now blurry sight.

_An eraser dropping on his head. My first impression of you… I hate you. Iruka looking worried: Kakashi has never passed a single team! Someone, (the Hokage? A faceless chunin?) assuring him: in hindsight, all the teams he failed ended up…_ something _I trust his judgement._

I blinked as my eyes cleared to the present and felt my stomach twist.

Kakashi Hatake surveyed us with his lone eye and I tensed. We must be one of the previous teams he failed. On the one hand maybe I could use this as an excuse to get out of being a shinobi? On the other hand who was I kidding, of course not and I’m not likely to get as good a team the second time around.

My mind was awash with the implications as we did our standard introductions:

I, Minamitsu like puzzles, hate lost puzzle pieces, read mysteries for fun and dreams of living to see my baby brothers and little sisters grow up and fall in love.

Tsumu likes worms, hates people who stomp on worms, sneaks anonymously written self help books into the library and wants to share with the world the therapeutic qualities of buzzing sounds.

Natsui likes his aunt, dislikes Asuma Sarutobi, enjoys shopping and meeting people and dreams of uniting civilians with shinobi, a.k.a. get his dad to talk to his aunt again.

And then Kakashi told us about the second test and left.

 

When I told my father who my new sensei was he was thrilled. When I told him about the test that no one had ever passed he was ecstatic. “You’ll be the first then!” He said.

“And… if I fail the test like everyone else?” I asked. He gave me a look that said I knew exactly what would happen if I failed. Punishment in front of my siblings.

I don’t know what it said about me that I wanted to be a shinobi so that my father wouldn’t spank me.

* * *

 

Training ground three. Countless images overlapped my sight as I looked at the familiar landscape that I had never been to. Mostly I saw shades of orange and blue, flickering pictures of Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura, the team seven that was to be- other people sometimes overlapping or taking Sakura’s place. Those people were like me, intruders in this world. I shook my head, pushing all divinatory thoughts aside, squared away in a back corner of my mind. That information was obscure, contradicting and unreliable, like vague recollections of a story with hundreds of variations. It is better to focus on the data at hand and compare it later to things I think I know.

When Kakashi finally arrived I raised my hand. “So sensei, yesterday you said this test has a 66% failure rate. How many teams have you tested?” 

He seemed casually pleased that we didn’t all leap into action right away. “About six.”

“So two of them passed?” Natsui asked.

Kakashi smiled down at us condescendingly. “No they all failed.”

“Sensei, I don’t think you understand statistics. That would mean this test is 100% failure rate.” Tsumu stated. I wanted to high five him for that probably unintentionally patronizing comeback. _You show 'em Tsumu!_

As expected though, Kakashi didn't react to the quip. “Well jonin get to pick their own tests. Overall 66% of students fail those tests. Mine just happened to be much harder.” Kakashi explained, still in the same bored tone.

“Why though?" I mumbled to myself. When everyone looked at me I realized I'd spoken out loud. "Do you not want to have a team?” I clarified. Kakashi only answered with a smile and a shrug. I narrowed my eyes as another thought came to me. “Or did they send us to you because they wanted us to fail?” 

“Maa, why so negative?" Kakashi asked, amused. "Maybe they sent you to me because they thought you’d be the first to pass.”

My eyes narrowed further and I crossed my arms in a thinking pose. “I doubt it. None of us are particularly remarkable, no offense, especially in the combat department which you are famous for." I tilted my head and squinted at Kakashi, filtering out all visions of him to just see him how he is then. "…Sensei, do you _want_ to lead a team of reckless heavy hitters? You have a larger than life reputation but in person you present yourself with a smaller than life attitude." I observed. "You’re a big asset to the village and they’re probably eager for you to pass on your skills. But you’ve failed all your teams so you're either waiting for a perfect team or don’t want one at all. Considering you act in a way that downplays your skills I’m guessing you don’t want a team… but the village probably wants you to have a perfect frontline team. Our class didn’t really have any of those, but I guess Neji, Lee and Tenten are all relatively close range fighters… And yet Maito Gai got that team, not you. So _we_ , as arguably the _least_ well suited to your skill set, got assigned to you. _But why_? Do they want _us to fail_ , or want _you_ to fail _us_?" By then I was getting really into the puzzle of it and my teammates were watching my thought process impressed. "Sensei," I asked, "did you have a choice in testing us?”

“Not really." Kakashi admitted. "All jonin who have never taken on a genin team are required to test genin hopefuls.”

“Huh, and I doubt they’d make an exception even if it suited their own goals." I rolled my eyes, thinking of my mother’s reason for never letting me off chores even when I was tired from training; "Once one person gets out of something everyone else will want to. But why wouldn’t they want you to have a team? It's true that short term you are more valuable unencumbered by inexperienced students but long term… oh, _long term!_ There’s no one in _this_ class they want you to teach so they sent you a team you would _obviously_ fail so that you would be free for _next_ year! Tsumu, your cousin is in the class below, who do you think they’re gunning for Kakashi sensei to teach?” I asked, excited.

“The Uchiha most likely. And perhaps Inuzuka.” Tsumu suggested.

“Oh! Maybe Hinata Hyuga!” Natsui supplied. “She’s my aunt’s apprentice now but Kurenai isn’t a jonin yet.”

“That makes sense that they’d want the Nin of a thousand Jutsu to teach two dojutsu users." I added, complementing my teammates' choices. "So sensei, what kind of team do _you_ want? If you fail us then you’re definitely going to get the village’s dream team next year. And I don’t think it is politically safe to fail three clan heirs.”

“You know, I think I like you three." He told us. "Minamitsu was it? You know how to look underneath the underneath.” Kakashi gave his famous eye-smile. “You pass!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is now continued in Dubious Foreknowledge


	5. Half dead shaman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where ghosts go after the apocalypse- or –A character who is literally dead inside.

In the days preceding the end of the world the sun was overcome with dark. Like an eclipse that wouldn’t give up, the moon-sized asteroid cast it’s deadly shadow, an everlasting reminder of the end yet to come. 

Each dealt differently with the inevitable. Some watched in morbid fascination while others stubbornly ignored the signs of planetary destruction and went about their lives in denial. The ghosts reacted to the approaching end of the world with neither panic nor fear, but rather grim determination. They were already dead after all. To them the impending apocalypse was nothing but a reminder to rush and get their unfinished affairs in order before it was too late. The streets of ghost town were filled with bustling apparitions rushing to finish their business and pass on. Many were in high spirits content in the fact that they would be reunited with their loved ones- living or dead, soon. 

The Lost One wasn’t so lucky. She watched as the city emptied of ghosts, the dead she had known for so many years finally passing on. Few souls were determined enough to stick around if they died so near the end. Those that did had short-term goals easily attainable like confessing to a loved one in a dream. The newly dead did their due and passed quickly, doing little to refill the rapidly waning population of ghosts. The Lost One, the child, the eldest ghost in all of ghost town soon became the last ghost as well. She walked the darkened streets in resignation and despair, searching, always searching for the item she had forgotten years ago, a century after she had forgotten her living name. Such was the price of staying too long, the danger of not completing your task. 

Spirits are not meant to wander the living realm and as such are prone to decay. Just as a body cannot heal without a soul, neither can a soul heal without a body. The identity is first to go, then the personality until all that’s left is the purpose for staying on. The final task. Even her reason for being was all but forgotten, nothing left but a lingering urge to find it. The Lost One looked up into the sky as what had been dark for days began to glow with heat. Utter despair ripped through her. Time had run out. 

Buildings shook around her and the air shimmered with waves of intense heat. Everything flowed white hot and the asphalt beneath her translucent feet began to boil. She couldn’t feel a thing. Not even when the asteroid struck head on. Impact sent her hurtling. Earth became a burning mass, and then a shining dot and then a spec in the distance. The Lost One flew through space and dimensions like a shooting star, disintegrating as she went until at last she landed in the middle of a massacre. 

The Lost One barely existed. She had thought she would be resigned after decades of fruitless search but it was panic she felt instead. This couldn’t be the end. Not before she found it. The lost one looked around at the souls of the recently departed. “Help me!” She cried to the murdered Uchiha. She gripped at her translucent chest as if her grip could keep the cracks from spreading. “Please.” Tears left melted tracks down the ghost child’s face. At last a woman with motherly eyes took the shattered child by the hand and floated her to the cooling corpse of a girl. “Kuroyuri has already passed on. Take her body. Give it life and make it your own. In exchange you will look after my Sasuke.”

Pain. Not the first sensation Kuroyuri would have picked to have after being dead so long, but the ghost guessed she shouldn’t be choosy. Physical pain couldn’t even compare to the spiritual pain of disintegration. Still, this was an awful lot of pain. She had a deep abdominal wound, had died from slowly bleeding out. She could tell it was a sloppy kill, not immediate and therefore she could have been saved. This body knew that even though her soul did not. Fighting and killing was ingrained into Kuroyuri’s muscle memory. She lay still on the ground, applying pressure to the wound and clutched to consciousness with the same determination she held her gaping wound. 

Ghosts cannot sleep. Therefore if the body did it would eject the restless soul within and both would find their end. A body without a soul cannot heal, is a good as dead. And the Lost One’s soul was so broken it had no chance to survive without a body. So Kuroyuri was fully cognizant when the strange Anbu came around, checking the corpses around her for sharingan. A masked soldier pried open her lids, and seeing her eyes a plain glassy black moved on. Something told her to wait. It was only once regular Anbu flooded the blood-splattered streets did Kuroyuri allow herself to show any signs of life. 

Her eyes roamed around her, took in the lack of other ghosts visible to her now mortal sight. It would be a shame to no longer be able to see the dead who had so generously given her a second chance by lending the body of their kin. Kuroyuri suspected that if she were to leave this body the ability would be regained but decided not to chance it. As strange as it was, she was alive now and had to accept all the quirks that came with it.

Whispers about the second Uchia survivor circulated the hospital like a bad case of influenza. Even the most hardened of shinobi medics could not help but be a little unnerved by the girl. It was not her haunted look, the blankness in her eyes or even her stony expression. No, those were all things that could be expected from a child having gone through such a traumatic experience. What was truly abnormal about Uchiha Kuroyuri was that the girl did not sleep! Not once since Anbu brought her in did Kuroyuri close her eyes for longer than a blink. When asked, pleaded, ordered to take it easy, you’re safe here, give your body a rest, Kuroyuri always gave the same chilling response.

“Only in death can I rest. Until I find it I will know no peace.” 

Kuroyuri’s strange behavior was in direct contrast to the only other survivor Sasuke who remained comatose for weeks no matter what the medics tried. They could not get Kyroyuri to sleep and could not get Sasuke to wake. Some suspected a linking jutsu had been applied to the children and when no other explanation could be found, the kindest nurse was sent to convince the Uchiha girl to please, please, give sleeping a try, for the sake of your only living relative, have a heart. Only then did Kuroyuri meet the nurse’s gaze with fathomless black eyes, old, old eyes, nodded once, closed her eyes… and died. 

A scream of shock had backup rushing into the room at once. For fifteen long minutes, the hospital’s best medics worked frantically to resuscitate her. All to no avail. Then, as the head doctor opened his mouth to announce time of death, she awoke. Blandly looking around the shocked faces as if she did not just return from the dead, Kuroyuri asked, “Where is that nurse from earlier? Her first lost patient would like to inform her that his death was not her fault and that he cannot move on until she forgives herself.” It was at that moment the nurse in question came back into the stunned room. The ageless, deathless Uchiha girl caught her gaze with hers and monotonously intoned, “Hyuuga Mabuki apologizes for telling you he trusted you with his life before the surgery that ended it. He realizes that was an unfair burden to place upon you and asks that you release your unfounded guilt so that he may move on.” 

The nurse blinked, and promptly fainted.

At no point during this chaos did Uchiha Sasuka awake. That would occur much later.


	6. Dirty blond seductress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Your job is to seduce insane, murderous, power-hungry, traitors?” “I prefer to call it saving the Uchiha line.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of sex and sperm. Dirty humor. You have been warned.

Momo dropped into the Hokage office first thing without knocking. This was time sensitive after all. 

"Mission complete: I bring back with me the semen of Uchihas Sasuke and Itachi and request immediate collection of said samples." She smirked at the scowl that immediately appeared on Sakura's face. 

"Well done." The Hokage praised. "Sakura, see to her immediately. We'll finish this discussion another time."

Momo could have done it herself but understood the Hokage would want her best medic to be the one handling the precious specimens. 

Only once Momo was on the examination table with her legs spread for the extraction did Sakura begin to speak. "I trust this is only Uchiha sperm Crane-San? We cannot afford to have contamination due to over-zealousness like in previous missions." 

Crane merely rolled her eyes beneath her ANBU mask. "I am aware, Medic-San. Though there were many bloodlines and strong shinobi genes that would benefit the village and I wished to collect, I was able to refrain from doing so even if my water nature and chakra control could easily separate the samples." Sakura's frown did not abate, nor did she continue speaking. Momo sighed, thinking out loud, she continued. "Maybe I'll ask for a follow up mission. The men seemed to like me; it wouldn't be too hard to get more information or sex out of them. The Uchiha was certainly good enough at it to be tolerable. I wouldn't mind a repeat experience and more samples would always be useful."

She was brought out of her musings by Sakura's brusque retort of "which one?"

"Pardon? Sorry, but which one what?" Crane asked. 

Sakura worked her jaw slightly. "Which Uchiha?"

Another smirk worked its way up Crane's face. "Which Uchiha what?" She repeated only somewhat smugly. 

"Which one was tolerable?" Sakura finally managed to grit out, red faced. 

Momo considered replying with a petty, 'wouldn't you like to know' or a smug 'curious what it's like to lay with the big boys, girly?' But decided against the antagonism for today and answered a short "Itachi" to her question. And then, because she couldn't help it, added, "Sasuke was terrible. Just wanted to take me from behind. Which reminds me, there's definitely a sample in the back when you're done clearing out the front."

"Shut. Up." Sakura growled through clenched teeth. 

"You asked, honey."


	7. Team Genius

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My presence in this world as a child with an adult mind caused the formation of Team Genius, comprised of myself, Maito Gai, and Hatake Kakashi, lead by future Hokage Namikaze Minato. But being a child at war is hard enough without the added strain dying and being reborn puts on a person’s psyche. I’m only good at being a shinobi because I’m terrible at being a person.

Disorientation.  
Confusion.  
Bemusement.  
Curiosity.  
Uneasiness.  
Dawning Horror.  
Panic.  
Denial.  
Greif.  
Anger.

These were the stages I went through emotionally upon my reincarnation. It did not matter that I was in an anime, it did not matter that I had read countless fan fictions along these lines, nor that I had written many others. What mattered was that everything I knew and loved was gone. What mattered was that I had a new life before I’d even comprehended that my old life, my real life, was over.

But then again, in the end, nothing mattered. It didn’t matter that I’d never wanted this to happen to me, it didn’t matter that in my other life family therapy had started finally bring my brother and parents and I closer than ever, it didn’t matter that I hadn’t gotten to say goodbye or see my mother retire or my brother get married. Because life obviously didn’t give a fuck what I want- otherwise I wouldn’t be here in this shitty situation: completely alone in a war torn world. The fragments of emotional strength I had been building with my therapist shuddered and groaned under the weight of this enormous tragedy.

I knew myself very well. That is why I knew there are three bad habits, three coping mechanisms that I fall into. They were the ones I was working on before I came here and all that good work in therapy went down the drain. Avoidance. Masochism. Obedience. I distract myself from reality through books, I take my anger out at myself through punishing and brutal exercise, and I become compliant rather than taking on the responsibilities of making decisions for myself. I’m set to become the perfect shinobi. I am absolutely fucked.

Luckily, or unluckily depending on how you look at it, my childhood didn’t last long. The orphanage during wartime couldn’t afford to be lenient towards troublesome children like me. A few short years of suffocating adult surveillance and supervision and I was booted from the orphanage to the academy at the tender age of four. I passed the entrance exams. As did Kakashi.

I didn’t care. My mind was stuck in a rut, routine and monotony barely keeping me sane, and still there were times when I’d punch a tree so hard my knuckles bled and my hand swelled. If I were anywhere else but a ninja village someone would have been concerned. Instead they praised my diligence and patted me on the head. My anger at the world, at my situation fueled me, simmering barely restrained beneath an irritated façade.

Working the academy training into my coping routines and the way I’d go at it like a drowning man for air, it was no surprise that I took to it like a prodigy. And all the while I kept up my unapproachable mask. Just like a duck, serenely floating above the water and furiously paddling underneath. A year passed. There was talk of allowing me and Kakashi to graduate. In the end we didn’t and for the first time in a while I felt something other than anger as I watched Obito and Rin standing at the graduation ceremony without Kakashi. They were four years older than us so it made some sense… but still. Unease. Curiosity. Confusion. I shook my head. It didn’t matter.

Another year passed and Kakashi and I sat with the older kids as team placements were being announced. We didn’t make eye contact. In general we tended to ignore each other. Not to mention Kakashi could barely spare a glance at anyone who wasn’t his ‘Eternal Rival!’ proclaiming that he had finally caught up to his foe. I didn’t pity him. I didn’t.

“Under Namikaze Minato, team seven will be Maito Gai, Hatake Kakashi, and Yoko Uruki.”

Huh. So I guess they held Kakashi and I back a year so we could team with Gai as the third child prodigy.

At this point… I didn’t know what to feel.

I’d hated Sasuke when I watched the show. His anger pissed me off, ironically enough. I wanted him to get over himself, to live and forget and stop rejecting the opportunities of friendship he faced at every turn. He obviously didn’t deserve them. In hindsight maybe he knew that too. And now here I am. Clothed in armor forged from anger, self-directed hate and sewn together with fear. So much fear. I spurned connection, intimidating my peers, not even considering the possibility that I could be anything but alone in the world. I was exactly like Sasuke. Did I care? Did I dare try to be anything other than the self-contained mass of negativity that had carried me this far? Dare I hope? Perhaps what I had was good enough. It was pretty stable, it could hold. The paradigm didn’t need to go anywhere… That was the fear talking. I knew my mental state was precariously balanced on a precipice, and that to get from one cliff to another I would have to jump, braving the possibility of a fall. But now that I had a team… maybe I didn’t have to be alone anymore. And maybe, just maybe, I could learn to rely on them to catch me before I hit the ground.

“My name is Yoko Uruki. I’m not a fan of standard introductions so I’ll just tell you what you need to know about me.” I informed my team in a quiet voice. “The orphanage where I live is under funded and the people there unreliable. I’ve learned not to trust easily or at all. I will do my best to break this habit when it comes to relying on you as my teammates. Forgive me when I make mistakes… and don’t give me reason to mistrust you.”

There was silence after my pronouncement. Was the language too advanced for an almost seven year old prodigy? Or was it the self awareness? I let out a long breath. For better or worse, the first step of the leap had begun, now it was up to them if they decide to catch my fall.

“Well,” Minato said kindly, “I’m sure we’ll all keep that in mind. Thank your for your bravery in sharing that with us, Uruki-chan.”

I held myself back from rolling my eyes and forced myself to listen to what the others had to say. Teamwork was a two way street after all.  
…  
The bell test went smoothly. Kakashi saw through the trick immediately and I already knew it. Gai would have worked together with us regardless to teach our sensei a lesson if one of us hadn’t alerted him it was an example for us and therefore supposed to be the other way around. Once we were done Minato-sensei was barely winded and fairly amused. “Well,” he said, “I see they don’t call you three prodigies for nothing.” Gai preened and squawked out a ‘Yosh!’

We were indeed good, and probably could have taken down a chunin working together, but Minato-sensei was a Jonin, and like us he was a prodigy. I began to feel an inkling of fear towards what kind of powerhouse team we were destined to be and what kind of things we would be forced to do. Fear was squashed by obedience and denial. I wouldn’t think about it.

It is a big step to decide to start living again. In my past I had gone through traumas that had put me in a similar state to the one I was in now. The most comparable was when I had found out that everything my best friend and first love had told me was a lie and that she was in fact a pathological liar. Worst of all she turned our friends against me and in the end I felt like I was the one who was going mad. Everything I thought to be true was false and my world felt like it was crumbling. I didn’t sleep for three days and three nights, occupying every spare minute with either obsessive exercise until my airways closed or marathoning anime to escape the agony that was reality.

It had been the coldest winter in seventy-five years; wind chill reached to negative sixty and icicles hung longer than I was tall. I considered lying down beneath the ice spears until one of them fell or I died from hypothermia. It was this thought that shocked me into action, asking for help. I had family I loved who loved me, and for their sake I couldn’t let myself come to harm. In this world I had no one.

72 hours of hell, one phone call and four months of recovery. That was the extent of it, the farthest I had ever fallen until now. Looking back that seems like nothing. For as long as I can remember in this world I have read or trained until I passed out from exhaustion. Without my previous breathing condition to satisfyingly hurt I was forced to push even harder in physical exercise until my muscles ached and burned and my knuckles, shins and elbows were rubbed raw from the training posts. Six years spent so far in the darkness that I had forgotten there was such a thing as light. My unhealthy habits of coping were so entrenched that I was beyond addicted. Change was inconceivable. But something had to give.

It was the concern and alarm that peeked out of Minato-sensei’s eyes when he looked at me, the way he always brought me food and watched me eat, how he inquired if I had slept and asked if I needed to see a doctor. To understand why he acted this way I looked in a mirror. I generally avoided mirrors, hating how they portrayed a face too young and features too foreign. Even when I cut my own hair I did it by feel instead of using a mirror. But to see what he saw I looked. And I too was alarmed. I looked like shit. Much too scrawny for a six year old, with more muscles than seemed proportionate or age appropriate, I was also tiny: shorter than my peers by a noticeable extent. Deep bags made my eyes droop and my cheeks were sallow and shrunken. Was that-? I leaned closer to get a better look. Indeed, I was even starting to get Itachi’s signature stress lines. The comparison gave me pause and the thought that I’d had and suppressed during training came back to me full force. My team was obviously meant to be a heavy hitter; as three prodigies training under another one we were promising new weapons being sharpened to a deadly point before being thrown out onto the front lines of war. That was our fate and no matter how horrible my life felt now, worse was most certainly to come.

Hopelessness.  
Fear.  
Terror.  
I’m too broken for this.

Crouching beneath the sink of the bathroom was definitely not the strangest place I’ve had a panic attack. People at the orphanage have gotten used to ignoring my strangled crying. Once it was over I was felt exhausted. Hollowed out. Empty but for the pounding behind my swollen eyes and a dull sense of self-loathing. And yet, however much I’d considered it, I was too much of a coward to die.

I’m too broken for this.

So I did the only I could do. I began the slow and agonizing task of putting myself together. It’s a big task to decide to start living. But it’s an even bigger task to actually do it.

Introspection is painful. But necessary. I knew I felt validation from pain. I knew it wasn’t healthy. I also knew that this reality hurts like a mother fucking bitch and my choices were to either embrace it or be defeated by it. So I added the emotional pain of introspection to the list of unpleasant things I could feel accomplishment for. It was time to stop running from my emotions by hiding behind physical pain.

I started a diary. I wrote all my hate, anger, despair, and anguish into that book. Tears blurred already messy English handwriting and I began to use emotional exhaustion to help me sleep rather than physical. I didn’t have a therapist and there was no one I could possibly talk to in this world so as soon as I learned the shadow clone technique I started giving therapy to myself. I talked to my clone about things I’d avoided thinking about for six years. I metaphorically pulled my heart out of my chest, squeezed, scrubbed with an exfoliating brush and salt and stuffed it back in. I worked with what I had. I made do. I tried to take a little better care of myself even if an inner voice snarked that I obviously didn’t deserve it considering the immensity of the karmic punishment involved in just being here. I thought of my family and though they were out of reach, how they would have wanted me to be strong. I ignored the voice that said that my brother would’ve coped so much better than me and that he’d probably be aspiring to be Hokage by now.

Some days I felt like I wasn’t making any progress at all, and that all I was doing was inflicting unnecessary pain. But Minato-sensei looked at me with less worry nowadays and barring the possibility that he was just becoming acclimated to my pathetic appearance that was probably a good sign. I felt slightly less desperate, less dependant on distraction. I still trained a bit too much, slept a bit too little and recited memorized words such as the shinobi rulebook under my breath when it all became a bit too much. But millimeter-by-millimeter I dared to hope that I was getting better.

Kakashi and Gai really were a lot like Sasuke and Naruto. Their bickering and challenges left them with little attention for anything but each other. This suited me fine. I was firmly working on myself, reconstructing and renovating my mind, giving myself an emotional overhaul. I didn’t have the time or capacity to interact or think about anyone else. If I tried I’d probably end up being tactless and rude so really my solitude was for the best.

Minato-sensei disagreed. He withheld his much coveted sealing knowledge unless I interacted with the others in a friendly way at least once a day. He told the boys off for ignoring me and they’d even occasionally listen, to my chagrin. I blame Minato for Gai including me in his challenges. And once I’d actually beaten one of them his interest was piqued. Trying to downplay it merely resulted in Gai coming to the conclusion that I too was cool, and hip, just like his Eternal Rival. He then apologized profusely for ignoring me earlier and that though Kakashi would always be his Eternal Rival I would from there on out hold a special place in his heart as an Admirable Adversary.

It made me wonder what would happen to this world if I died. I thought about that a lot, actually, imagining with longing how nice it would be to slip away and simply be able to watch the story unfold as a ghost. When I thought of it that way, it was much easier to think rationally about how my existence might affect the timeline of this world without devolving into panic.

 

…  
Minato thought there was something very, very wrong with his smallest genin student. Her green eyes stared blankly out of a sallow skinned face and her obviously self-cropped greasy blond hair hung limply at her pale sunken cheeks. Uruki acted like a robot most of the time, following orders without complaint or thought.

Besides her remarkably well defined muscles for a six year old, Uruki was skinny as a rail. He noticed one time when they all went out for a team meal that she avoided heavy foods and anything difficult to chew. She’d clean her plate every time though, scarffing it down quicker than even Kakashi. The sight broke his heart. Minato knew what it was like to be an orphan, and no doubt the war was only making the strain on the orphanage’s resources worse. No doubt light mushy food was the only thing Uruki was used to and her speed eating was a habit formed to help her survive in a system of first come first serve. Minato always made sure to order a bit too much so that the three of them could take home leftovers. Still, Uruki didn’t seem to be gaining much weight and Minato decided to do a little sleuthing. Peeking in on the orphanage during mealtime he was surprised to find that contrary to his memory the food was evenly divided and handed out in boxes that the children cleaned and returned. Next Minato took Uruki to get a ‘check up’. “It’s just routine, and as your sensei I act sort of like a guardian. The others will go with me another time.” He lied. Uruki didn’t look very convinced, especially when Minato asked the doctor to run extra tests for stomach parasites. They came back negative and by then Minato was stumped.

When Minato finally thought to ask Uruki herself the answer he got was a surprise. She tilted her head thoughtfully before asking, “Do you ever get nervous sensei? Like before you talk to a lot of people?” Minato blinked at the apparently unrelated question. Well, prodigy or not, she was only six and they tended to go on tangents. He decided to humor her. It was good to let a kid be a kid every once in a while and he could always bring up her eating habits later. “I think I know what you’re talking about, Uruki-chan. It’s called stage fright.”

She nodded. “And you know when you have stage fright and you don’t feel like eating? Like you just really, really don’t want to?”

“Yeeees…” Minato answered, having an inkling where this was going but wanting to hear it said aloud.

Uruki shrugged her tiny, bony shoulders. “It’s like that. I don’t like to eat.” In her mind it was more analogous to being a prey in fight, flight, freeze mode and biologically unprepared for food: the opposite of rest and digest. She was caught in an endless tug of war between panic and despair with rage pulling her back from either cliff. But Uruki was afraid if she said that they would think she’s _really_ messed up and unfit for shinobi work. Honestly it was nothing a little serotonin reuptake inhibitor and some psychotherapy couldn’t handle. Alas, those two things did not exist in this shinobi-forsaken world. Uruki popped out of her thoughts when she realized Minato was no longer walking beside her. Looking back to where he had stopped walking she furrowed her brow. “Sensei?”

He blinked and in two long strides caught up to her. “Uruki-chan, have you always felt this way?”

Uruki turned back forward. “For a long time.” She answered.

Minato was quiet after that. Thinking the matter settled, Uruki put her head down and followed, content in the knowledge that she could completely zone out all thought and trust her sensei to lead her safely home. It wasn’t until he stopped did Uruki look up and find that they were not, in fact, at the orphanage. She looked around in confusion. “Where are we?”

Minato patted her on the head with a reassuring smile. “This is the Yamanaka compound. I want you to meet an old friend of mine.”

Uruki instantly went pale. No. No, no, nonono! Her feet trembled as she took a hesitant step back, then mentally cursed herself because was she _really_ considering trying to run away from the _yellow flash?_ But what other choice did she have? If a Yamanaka went digging into her head and found a past life Uruki would be getting a one way ticket to T&I, Danzo, Orochimaru, or all three. Time for the oldest trick in the book. “Behind you!” Uruki screamed, and then she sprinted, not even looking to see if Minato fell for it. Predictably, Uruki didn’t even make it past the compound gates before she was tugged off her feet by the back of her shirt. Staring down at her dangling feet, Uruki refused to look into her sensei’s eyes.

“What was that about?” Minato asked, stern under a layer of amusement.

She would’ve shuffled her feet if they were on the ground. “Don’t want them in my head.” She muttered petulantly. “I’ll eat, I promise! Just don’t let them do that thing they do to bad guys.” Ah, yes. Yet another defense mechanism: the harmless little girl act. Granted, she was (sort of) a little girl, but she wasn’t that harmless. None the less, the role fit like an old glove. Up until she’d physically grown out of it, one of her favorite security blankets in her past life was knowing that little girls were often underestimated or ignored. The timid demeanor was such a knee-jerk reaction that Uruki didn’t even consider that it might be seen as manipulation.

Luckily Minato fell for it. His face softened as he gently placed his student back down on the ground. “I’m not going to have you _tortured_ so that you’d eat more, Uruki-chan.” He knelt down in front of his student to force her to look him in the eye. “Did you really think I’d do that to you?”

All Uruki could do was shrug. Honestly, she didn’t know mind walking was considered torture; she just didn’t want it to happen to her. Minato frowned. Then, in one smooth motion pulled Uruki into a hug, to her great surprise. Uruki’s lips trembled as she slowly hugged him back. For the first time in six years it felt like someone cared.

 


	8. Combat Medic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What can one measly child with a medical background in another life and foreknowledge of plot do when growing up in the third war? A lot less than you think. Cannon is here and Ren is about damn ready to change something, starting with Sakura.

Ren leaned her head back and sighed. She had survived years of helplessly watching death, her first life ending at war and in her next life growing up in it. She died a soldier and was born a soldier, combat medic from one life to the next. She had foresight that others could only dream of, yet still was unable save her sister’s life. Finally, this was her chance at making a difference. She had made the first step; her first move in all twenty-eight years of this life that directly, successfully changed the timeline. Ren’s head fell forward in a defeated droop as she listened to her new apprentice, Haruno Sakura, prattle on about her crush- and asked the gods for patience.

A few days earlier~  
“An apprenticeship?” Sakura’s father asked curiously. “That’s quite an honor. What do you think Sakura-chan?”

Said girl fidgeted nervously in her seat, brows furrowed. “I- I-,” She blushed and ducked her head. “I’d hoped to get onto Sasuke-kun’s team, but-,”

“The chances of that happening are very slim.” Ren smoothly lied. “The Uchiha is most likely going to be put on a front-line team and you are hardly compatible with your skill sets.”

“O-oh.” Sakura looked dejectedly into her lap.

“Your potential as a field medic, however, is unparalleled.” Ren nodded in satisfaction when this got the girl’s attention. “You have a great mind, are academically inclined, have perfect chakra control and are studious and caring. The amount of lives you could save with the right training is astronomical.” 

Ren left that meeting with a new apprentice and an uncertain view of the future. Who knew how this would affect the plot? Who would fill Sakura’s spot on team 7? How would Naruto and Sasuke’s lives differ without her in it? Ren didn’t know and she really didn’t care. For once in her life she had made things go differently, had grabbed onto a modicum of control. Sakura was hers now and Ren swore she would give the girl everything she deserved.

The day of team assignments came and though Sakura already knew what her situation would be she couldn’t help but think wistfully of Sasuke’s stoic façade; imagining what it would be like to be on the handsome boy’s team. She spotted her rival walking down the hall and scowled, speeding up. As long as Ino wasn’t on his team, she would be fine. The two girls locked glares and suddenly the walk to class became an analogy for the race to Sasuke’s heart. They both barged in; chaos ensued; Naruto accidently kissed Sasuke and they all somehow settled down when Iruka came in to finally give them their team assignments. 

“First off, I’d like us all to congratulate Sakura-chan for achieving highest paper grades in the class and having talent worthy of being scouted for apprenticeship.” Iruka proudly announced. Everyone turned to look at her and Sakura blushed at the attention. Seeing Ino’s gaping face she sent her a smug grin. Then Sakura noticed a pair of black eyes boring holes into her head and she blushed crimson again. Sasuke-kun is staring at me! Maybe he would finally be impressed and even respect her. And then he would trust and admire her and Sasuke would let her in on his darkness. And then Sakura fantasized how she would heal and soothe him and take away his pain. Sakura loved him and someday she wanted to save him. She may not be as strong or talented as him but she would save him the only way she could. Yes that was her dream: Sakura wanted to be Sasuke’s prince. 

Iruka continued heedless of Sakura’s fantasies. “I’m sure you’ll become a fine combat medic under the tutelage of Ren-sensei. Now, continuing on, team one will be…”

The teams were listed out and Sakura was surprised and gladdened to hear that Sasuke would be put on a team with Naruto and some boy named Sai. No other girl would get a chance to get close to him. 

When the jonin started coming in to take their students away, Ren was one of the first to claim Sakura. “Come along then.” The older kunoichi grunted, hand on her shoulder. “Let’s get to my place where we can start going over the schedule and syllabus.” Sakura smiled happily as she followed her new sensei along, a skip in her step. She couldn’t help but tell her Ren-sensei all about how Sasuke-kun had stared when he heard of Sakura’s apprenticeship and she was sure he would love her in no time. Ren-sensei was a good listener, nodding and humming along and in her lovesick trance Sakura barely noticed that the woman briefly sighed up at the sky and hardly actually said anything until they made it to her apartment.

Sakura followed Ren in, removing her shoes and waiting patiently for her sensei to lock the door behind them. With a crack of her neck, Ren turned while allowing her appearance to change. Sakura’s eyes widened as she watched black hair and eyes lighten to brown, skin tone warm and clan markings appear on previously unmarred cheeks. “Sensei?” She asked confused. 

Ren smiled at her student’s surprised expression. “Oh, that. I wear a henge in public.”

“Why?” was Sakura’s expected incredulous response.

“I’m not a spy if that’s what you’re thinking.” Ren joked as she led her charge to the kitchen and began making tea. “Of course that’s exactly what a spy would tell you isn’t it?” Sakura furrowed her brow and opened her mouth; no doubt to interject another question but Ren interrupted. “A fellow jonin has a panic attack whenever he sees my face so I keep it on for convenience’s sake.”

If possible Sakura’s eyes widened further. “A fellow jonin? Just from seeing you? What-?”

Ren interrupted again with a loud sigh. “I didn’t do anything to him, if that’s what you’re asking. My twin sister was his teammate and he accidentally killed her. At the time I didn’t want to deal with him freaking out whenever he saw me while I myself was grieving. Unfortunately lack of exposure has done nothing to desensitize him and I find myself unwilling to be used to rehabilitate his trauma.” Ren grimaced. “I’ve tried once or twice to get him used to it, showed my face by mistake a few more and each time had to deal with the emotional mess it left afterwards. So it’s easier for everyone involved if I wear a disguise.” 

By the end of her story Sakura’s hand covered her gaping mouth. “That’s awful!” She exclaimed. “Sensei, I’m so, so sorry, I feel terrible, I-,”

Ren waved her off with another hand. “Don’t worry about it. You didn’t know. It all happened a long time ago, before you were born.” She looked off into the middle distance. “I’ve forgiven him. All there is now is the inconvenience.” She made a face at her student. “He really is a wreck though, can’t even hear my name without freezing. It doesn’t help that my sister and I had such similar names.” She scoffed. “My parents were really into the twin thing.”

“What was her name?” Sakura asked softly.

Ren smiled, bitter sweet. “Rin.” She said. “Her name was Nohara Rin.”

A moment of silence followed her confession until Ren loudly clapped her hands. “Now!” She said, “On to less depressing matters.” Sakura shivered at the sinister look she suddenly received. “Welcome to boot camp.”


	9. Bird's Eye View

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toriyama Sora from the Land of Earth came to Konoha for aid in a political matter. She did not count on being caught up in Hashirama's matchmaking.

For growing up in the warring clans era my childhood was calmer than you’d think. Granted, it wasn’t peaceful by any stretch of the imagination but it certainly was better than what was going on in the land of Fire with their infernal Senju-Uchiha war. I honestly have no idea how they funded all that fighting. It’s like they make their living off killing each other! Some of us actually have to eat. Then again, maybe it was resources that they were originally fighting for?

Anyway, I guess you could say I was pretty lucky. A few generations back, which in shinobi terms is an eternity, my clan the Toriyama made an alliance with a nomadic civilian herding clan- our protection for their food. We shinobi guarded the herders from renegades while our hawks guarded the livestock from the carnivorous alpine parrots. It worked well; with an entire clan backing them, most bandits and rival herdsmen learned not to mess with the Hitsujikai. ‘Course we still took some missions; there are some things you need to buy that you just can’t get from a sheep or a goat- Kunai for example. We found that they were much more effective when made out of metal than they were out of bone or horn, no matter how hard the Hitsujikai tried. Then there were always some who challenged us anyway, green or desperate bandits or other herders who took up arms that we’d take all the best grazing lands of the steppe. Shinobi were hired, battles were fought, and people died. But it wasn’t the constant paranoia that I’d imagine living in Fire would have wrought.

Then word spread that the Senju and Uchiha had formed an alliance, were gathering arms with other clans of the region and fear began to tickle at our senses. Apart, the legendary clans could tear at each other’s throats for all we’d care, whittling each other down to nothing. But together they formed a power stronger than the sum of its parts, a threatening storm gathering on the horizon- a tornado before you knew which path it would take. The shinobi clans of Earth were brought together with our shared fear.

Even before a common threat joined us as one, our enmity with each other was much less personal than it was in Fire. We were hired mercenaries; people died on the job. It wasn’t uncommon for civilians to hire multiple clans for a task, and we lived with the knowledge that someone who might be your enemy on one mission could be your ally on the next. And if they happened to have killed someone you held dear on a previous mission, you sucked it up and dealt with it because that’s the life of a shinobi. Since not many other clans had tried allying themselves with a consistent food source like we did, not keen on ‘catering to the whims of civilians 24/7’, it wasn’t like we had fought much over who could take which civilian clan or whatnot. Whatever we fought over was for the benefit of the client and not for our own gain. Our kills were impersonal, no need to hold a vendetta. Really, the land of Earth was teetering on the edge of peace already and all it needed was the final little push that the threat of the Senju-Uchiha alliance provided.

The clans of the land of Earth formed… a coalition. It wasn’t until we received a missive from Konohagakure that we were called a ‘village’: a Village Hidden in the Stone to be exact. We hardly formed a cohesive unit, each clan still having their own home base. What we had was merely a shared understanding that if Konohagakure attacked, we would come to each other’s aid, and form a joint front for a powerful enemy. Therefore I was very surprised when after a meeting of the clan heads our leader came back to us to report that the Kamizuru clan had received a missive requesting the “Tsuchikage” of “Iwagakure” to attend the ‘First Five-Kage Summit’.

The _first_ summit? As if they were so sure it would happen again? And to just assume the leaders of all the five nations would call themselves ‘shadow’ like they did- honestly, how conceited could they be? Well, as it turned out, not as conceited as the Kamizuru who only deigned to share this information _after_ the Kamizuru clan head Ishikawa had attended the summit claiming the title of Shodai Tsuchikage for himself. Needless to say, the rest of the clans were pissed. But fighting amongst ourselves would only show weakness to our enemy, and if they were assuming we were a united front then we couldn’t afford to be less than that.

And so the construction of ‘Iwagakure’ began at last.

You know how I said that the clans of earth didn’t fight for personal gain? Well that’s only half true. Clan rivalries did exist, and one of them happened to be between the Toriyama and the Kamizuru. Like the Uchiha/Senju feud, no one knows how it started but I’m pretty sure it had something to do with our birds eating their bees. We hold each other in mutual disdain. They’re impractical pricks who believe in shinobi superiority and scoff at our decision to ally ourselves with a civilian clan. They call us hoof lickers. We call them hive-minded, sticky-fingered idiots who need to get their bees out of their asses. But despite the mutual dislike we never went out of our way to kill each other.

That didn’t stop us from acting petty though. Sabotage was par for the course, like a really big prank war between whole clans (as long as no one died as a direct effect of our actions, we maintained the status quo). And, lucky us, Ishikawa was just petty enough about our little feud to decide that the Toriyama weren’t needed or welcomed to join Iwagakure on the claim that ‘ _a half-civilian nomadic clan would not lend any advantages to a stationary military base’_. That was honestly fine with us… at first. Remember that Iwa was first created as a defensive retaliation to the alliances forming in Fire. As international tensions began to rise with the tailed beast negotiations we soon realized that if Konoha ever decided to attack Earth, the Toriyama would be left out in the cold. We neither wanted to be singled out by either village and eliminated, nor caught in the crossfire between two giants’ war lacking protection from either side. So since Kamizuru Ishikawa had named himself the Tsuchikage and thereby claimed Iwa wanted nothing to do with us, our only other option was to talk to Konoha.

Since we have the excuse of Hitsujikai trading, Konoha was ridiculously easy to infiltrate. I simply guarded Old Yagi and his son Tsuno’s wool caravan as they made their way to the village. The fact that they were men and that I kept my hawks by them for protection lead sexist citizens of Konoha to easily believe that _they_ were the ninjas, (or at least merchants with some ninja training) and I was merely Tsuno’s young wife. It was a misconception that I didn’t rectify. Seen as such I was able to pick up gossip and learn key pieces of information.

The civilian sector of Konoha was much more developed than in Iwa. From what I’d heard, Iwa didn’t have any civilians and used that as rationale for not letting us Toriyama join and bring along the Hitsujikai. I was of two minds on Iwagakure’s civilian policy. On the one hand, loose-lipped civilians were a liability and I did get most of my information from them, but on the other hand I didn’t expect Iwa to be able to run simply off of chakra and testosterone. They had to get civilian goods and services from _someone_. I suspected they’d come to realize that on their own sooner or later, (the shinobi we sent out to sabotage their food supply line trying to ensure it be sooner), and Iwa would be forced to accept that they needed non-combatants; thereby losing their only legitimate reason not to let us in. Until then though, we needed insurance and protection- thus my mission in Konoha.

My prospects began to look up when I was able to learn that the Hokage was a huge romantic, the Yamanaka, Nara and Akimichi clans held an alliance preceding their integration into the village, and the Nara clan kept deer. Now these may seem like random and innocuous facts but to me they were the beginnings of a plan.

I started by talking up the Nara, introducing our markhor to their herds and asking if they’d kindly share their salt licks with our beasts of burden. My ‘curiosity’ led me to ask about the creation of the village, and how Hashirama had gotten other clans to join. I admitted my interest was somewhat self-serving; that our clan’s alliance with another gave the Tsuchikage suspicion as to where our loyalties would lay if we joined the village. I used vague manner of speech, mentioning the civilian/ninja clan alliance we partook in without specifying which clan I was in. Once it became clear that the Nara would not shun me for being a foreign shinobi, I spoke freely and truthfully of our situation, a move that they seemed to appreciate.

With the Nara backing me I was able to get an audience with the Hokage in which I appealed to his romantic sensibilities, playing off of the slight similarities between the Uchiha/Senju conflict and the rivalry between my clan and the Kamizuru. I preached about how my clan only wanted to continue our ways in peace and protection. I caught Hashirama’s heart hook line and sinker. I realized too late however that his bleeding heart might be a bit _too_ bloody when he vehemently proposed that I marry his best friend Madara Uchiha.

“I’m… flattered, Hokage-sama, but I fail to see how this might help our situation.” I politely declined.

“A marriage alliance! With the Village Hidden in the Leaves backing you, the Village Hidden in the Stone wouldn’t dare attack and may even accept you into their fold in order to gain access to your political connection. In exchange you will be the bridge between our two nations! This is perfect; I’ll draw up the contract right away. Love will pave the way to international cooperation! Why didn’t I think of this before? Catching the tailed beasts to distribute power evenly won’t be necessary- we should have a bride exchange instead!”

I felt myself flailing as it became abundantly clear I’d gotten in way over my head.

How could I tell him what a stupid idea that was? If the Toriyama allied so flamboyantly with Konoha it could be seen as a direct threat to Iwa, possibly interpreted as an ultimatum for them to ally with both of us and could lead to a massive war rather than peace.

Not only that, but how would calling off the tailed beast hunt be received now that the possibility was already brought up? Would Hashirama’s backing out cue the others in to start an even bigger war? What had I _done_? To my utter relief Tobirama came to the rescue just then to shut his brother down.

“You’re getting ahead or yourself, brother.” _Yes, by god he was._ Tobirama’s irritated voice rounding the door was my savior. “We do not even know if the Uchiha is so inclined. His _preferences_ might lie elsewhere.” He sent the Hokage a meaningful look that had my cheeks flushing in realization but Hashirama entirely missed.

I cleared my throat. “I agree, let’s not get too hasty. We… may want to consider _alerting_ Madara-sama to this… proposal?” _And if Tobirama were right about Madara’s orientation then I would be off the hook._

“And you can’t go giving village backing to every pity case who comes knocking on our door, brother.” Tobirama added in, to my annoyance.

“Ah, yes. Both of you have valid points.” Hashirama sheepishly admitted. “I may have gotten a little overexcited.” He looked thoughtful. “Madara will have to be handled carefully. He’s been a bit… moody, lately.”

I caught Tobirama rolling his eyes from the corner of my vision. “Oh yes, ever since you married Mito the man has be absolutely _green_.” He commented sarcastically.

“All the more reason to surprise him with a wife!” Hashirama nodded decisively. “Once we’re both married Madara will have nothing to be jealous of and we can resume our friendship on equal footing.”

I was starting to feel a little indignant at this point. Not only had the brothers turned their attention exclusively to each other, effectively _ignoring_ me, but was I really being used as some sort of bartering chip to equalize Hashirama’s and Madara’s bromance? Regardless of the insult I kept my mouth shut while the brothers bantered. I was still a shinobi and wouldn’t pass up the chance to listen to the brothers’ speak without the filter they’d most likely keep for a more respected guest.

The heir to the Senju clan pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. “Your willful ignorance is intolerable, brother. For as long as I’ve known him the man has been _besotted._ ” Tobirama remarked. “Kami knows I hate the man but your obliviousness to his feelings is beginning to boarder on cruel. Especially considering his clan’s affliction. It’s not you he’s jealous of anija.”

“Then whom would he be jealous of?” Hashirama asked in utter befuddlement. “Mito?” Then he burst in to raucous laughter at the sheer idea of it.

A look of pain crossed Tobirama’s face as if his brother’s stupidity physically ailed him. I could agree with the sentiment. He slowly shook his head. “That poor, poor man.” Tobirama left us with the biting remark “I don’t know what Madara did in his past life to deserve you.”

Hashirama quieted down from his amusement and sent a confused look my way. “What could he mean by that?” Eyes widening he turned back to the door to find his brother long gone. Looking back at me he sincerely asked, “Do you think _Tobirama_ has the hots for Madara?”

Despite my best efforts, the tea I had been sipping spewed violently out my nose and mouth at the Shodai Hokage’s comment. How was this man the head of the first ninja village?

“O-oh, oh dear! Are you all right?” Hashirama asked. “Was it something I said?” I looked up from desperately coughing into my handkerchief to stare at him with wide eyes. He had the decency to look sheepish. “Yes, you’re right. Silly question. I shouldn’t be talking about your potential husband like that. Speaking of which, do you know how to cook inarizushi?” If my face wasn’t already red and convulsing from spewing boiling hot liquid out my nose I’m sure I’d have had a very noticeable eye twitch of irritation.

I cleared my throat one last time and tried to get back on track. “Hokage-sama,” I said levelly, pretending as if nothing had happened, “Because of our partnership with birds, the Toriyama are uniquely suited to surveillance and security. I’m sure a trade of assistance could be negotiated were we to form an alliance. A rotating cast of my clansmen could, for instance, be spared from our ranks for you to do with as you wish. Having Toriyama employed in the forests would significantly increase the safety of your village and all we ask in return would be assurances that should a war between Konoha and Iwa (god forbid) ever come to pass, the Toriyama will be respected in its neutrality, protected from collateral damage and given aid should Iwa decide to target us for elimination.”

Hashirama seemed to be thinking it over and I internally sighed in relief. “I can see the difficult situation you’re in.” He said seriously. “However, a promise of aid against Iwa is a lot to ask, especially if the most you could do for us in return should it come to war would be neutrality.”

I poured myself some tea and thought over my reply. I had to strike a balance between trying to seem too weak to help in a war but strong enough that our help in other areas would still be desirable. “Understand Hokage-sama, that us taking _anyone’s_ side against the hidden village of our own country would be tactically unwise. We do not wish to make an enemy of the panther who rules our mountain. She has chosen not to let us into her den but has also deemed not to chase us off entirely. We hope to keep it that way. Against other predators we’d be willing to give aid, but not against the mountain lion.”

“Well then rather than seeking protection from afar, why not move from the mountain to the forest?” Hashirama asked. He grinned, “Would you like to give it a go in the wolves’ den?”

“You- you mean move to Konohagakure?” I blinked at his smiling, nodding face. “I thank you for your exceedingly generous offer but I’m afraid it’s not at all possible. The Hitsujikai would never agree.”

“Ah, but why not?” He gestured to the barren plateau backing the village and the literal cliff-face carved into it. “The herds could stay on the Hokage Mountain.”

When I looked where he was pointing I had to cough into my fist to keep myself from laughing in his face and asking, ‘ _you call that a mountain?’_ Because really, it was a hill. A tiny rock hill with his face carved into it that someone had the dumb idea to name _Hokage Mountain._ I couldn’t hold back a snicker.

“What?” Hashirama sent me the widest, most innocent look that I’m sure could chastise almost anyone into doing what he wanted and I had to swallow back another fit of laughter.

“Ha-Hokage-sama,” I finally managed, “I don’t think the Sage himself could convince our herders to transport all five thousand six hundred twenty nine mountain goats across three countries to settle down on a rock without any grass.”

He blanched, “F-five thousand…”

“…Six hundred twenty nine. Yes.” I finished for him. “I know because we count every morning and search down those that are missing.” _And I hadn’t even included the mouflon and markhor._  

Hashirama deflated. “I… see. And I suppose that downsizing would be out of the question.”

I hummed in agreement. There wasn’t even a question. Hitsujikai loved their beasts. Hashirama still seemed to be dazzled by the sheer numbers in our herd so I decided to take my chance to re-state my case. “My clan is willing to give you peace of mind, Hashirama-sama. There is nothing that can get past our bird’s eyes. Your village will be safe under our wing and all we want in exchange is some insurance for a possibility that may never come to pass. Iwagakure has shown no hostility toward either of us so far, and may continue not to in the future. It is their ignorance and pride that prevents them from allowing a clan who is allied to a civilian tribe to enter their ranks. Once Iwa sees the error of its ways and realizes the futility of building a nation of soldiers alone, I have every confidence they will allow my clan in. You need only promise protection until then- protection that you may not even need to supply, and in exchange you’ll get our services until we no longer need the possibility of yours.”

He frowned, thinking it over. “I still like the idea of a marriage alliance.” I bit back a groan. “But your offer does sound more appealing the second time through. Let us compromise; promise us a political bride after your clan is united with Iwa and send envoys to the Tsuchikage to expedite the process. If his reason for excluding you is as you say, I’m sure you can convince him otherwise. Until then Konohagakure will offer you its protection.” He turned to me with a winning smile and hand extended but I wasn’t quite ready to conclude this negotiation.

I smiled back. “As you have so wisely suggested Hokage-sama, we have already sent envoys to Tsuchikage-sama in regards to our admittance to Iwa. Once we are united with the village as you elegantly put it, a political marriage agreed upon prior to our involvement with Iwa would only alienate and hinder our standing in the village. Thus the Toriyama and Hitsujikai will do everything _else_ in our power to bring about an alliance between Iwagakure and Konohagakure.” Finally I stuck out my hand to shake but Hashirama didn’t take it, instead trying to get the last word.

“I expect you’ll be starting right away then?” He asked with a mischievous twinkle.

I tried not to falter but the look on his face made it seem like he’d won. “What?”

“Send word back to the Toriyama for reinforcements with one of your hawks. You’ll watch over the village solo until they arrive. Oh, and report any suspicious findings to Madara. I’ll have the Uchiha put you up.” Before I could protest Hashirama took my limply outstretched hand and roughly shook it.

What had I gotten into?

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Team Genius](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19704862) by [ReebaJee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReebaJee/pseuds/ReebaJee)




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